Much of our conditioning is caused by our emotional reactions to experience and circumstance. Although it would be biologically impossible to eliminate all feelings (responsivity), we are still at the mercy of our emotional reactivity. This causes the pervasiveness of our incessant immaturity and psychological conditioning.
How is it possible to transform this important structure, center or faculty? There are actually two major trainings to this process. Before we go into this, we can talk a bit about the history of our use of emotions.
We mainly learned our feeling reactions in childhood, because at that early part of our development, we mainly used our emotional midbrain (limbic system) and not the frontal lobes, which can perceive, analyze and act clearly. These emotions are not intrinsically “immature”; for they outline the perceptual fields of important early social skills, such as pleasure, trust, getting attention from others, closeness, basic control and trait assessment. However, since are nervous systems are not developed at this point, and from the further indignity of having immature models (parents) who have their own issues, we retain this early developmental reactivity from experience.
Since we learned our reactions very early, it is the first which “arrives at the scene”, as it were, when experience occurs and we find it very hard to overcome their compelling and mechanical insistence. It appears it takes extraordinary “will power” to overcome them; but this is not really the case. Although many emotions are unavoidable and even functional, many are not only inappropriate - but can be re-channelled or transformed completely.
There are other trainings, of course, which can assist in this, because we use other structures or faculties; however, there are two simple things we can do, which can develop or feeling nature, in their own right. To develop these more fully or to ensure their success, we need to train the other structures, such as identity, thought, attention, instinct and volition. Nevertheless, we can work with our feeling nature in their own sphere.
The first and most important is referred to as “Acceptance” or allowing (or resignation; the old stoic expression). This is simply the act or process of allowing circumstance to be as it is, without attempting to change it. One can even posit a metaphysical belief in the sense that this circumstance (whatever it is; whether rain, or a late appointment) is what was “meant to be”.
One can say that this is easier said than done. But this is not really true. One can do anything one puts one’s mind to. As an exercise, just take an hour out of the day and say that whatever happens, one will allow it, as if it were “meant to be”. Try not to react. Let it be. If a person interrupts you during a conversation, perceive it as if that is part of the configuration of experience, or part of the whole process of your life, or even “a test, or learning process” and see if you can just accept it as it is.
This will be seen as difficult for the obvious reason that we are habitually wired to react to experience. And everybody has their unique patterns as they pertain to the six major early developmental skills (mentioned above as pleasure, trust, power, attention, etc.). Nevertheless, with enough practice (and alongside of other trainings) we can slowly learn to live this way: allowing things to be as they are.
This does not mean that we allow abuse or can never change things, events or decisions. I am just saying the emotional structure is different than the volitional structure and each can operate within their own domain. For example, in the above situation of the conversational interruption, I can refuse to react to my colleague interrupting my phone conversation, but at another time, I can tactfully ask him to not do that again in the future.
The second training involves actually “opening up” the feeling nature. By refusing to let in negative reactivity, we are not literally blocking feeling, but letting in the type of feeling that is transformative. After all, there is right and wrong feeling. The inappropriate type is the mechanical reacting to experience, that is mostly narcissistic. The positive kind is the positive, opening up of the heart in daily living.
Many spiritual practices emphasize worshipping God and other forms of emotional transformation. This helps only temporarily. When immature, emotional reactions occur from childhood perceptions, the emotional work (one attempted) often goes away. This is why we always start with acceptance. When we let things be as they are, it is easier to open up the heart. If not, then there will always be this “tug of war” between the kind of feelings one would like to maintain and on the other hand, daily life which seems to distort and degrage these pure emotions.
In fact, the second one leads from the former. The more one accepts, the more one - naturally -opens up the heart. In fact, this is the definition of opening: continued acceptance of things as they are.
William Edwards
Author, Trainer
The Skill of Wisdom
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